Motherhood is one of the Biggest and best blessings that I am so fortunate to have been blessed with. Ive waited so many years to be graced by such a gift and when it finally happened I was overjoyed. If you have been following me a while you know my struggle with pregnancy and how after a certain age I felt as if I couldn't get pregnant at all. So when I heard the heart of my baby love come across the speakers during a ultra sound tears ran down my cheeks and met at my chin. I had a fairly decent pregnancy didn't have any morning sickness and didn't gain much weight. Never had a lot of the symptoms of craving that I had heard about or the swelling in my feet that a lot of woman get. I felt Blessed for sure!! Little did I know it was the quiet before my personal storm.I am going too be super transparent as always, in hopes that I am helping someone like myself who had no idea the sorts of things that can happen when bringing a baby into the world. I titled this Midnight Mommy moment because with all the joy of having my Princess Zoe, there was a period where I felt like every day was midnight.
My water broke at exactly 7:30 am on March 17th 3 weeks before my actual due date. I had my little girl March 18th at 9:30am she was 7lbs 4oz. how adorable she was and is still today she has a head full of hair and her eyes were wide open ready too see the world. Little did I know when I went home in a few days my joy would be temporarily sucked out of me. While in the hospital I was exhausted but had a hard time sleeping, I figured it was because I was in a strange place and all the excitement and nervousness of having a new baby. 4 days after delivery we went home and that day or night I couldn't sleep either.
A few More days went by and still no sleep during the day, or at night small naps here and there. My baby woke every 2 hours to eat so I was attending her but was unable to sleep when I should have been while she slept. Not only was I unable to sleep but I was unable to eat, now I am approaching week 2 of me being home. I began to have panic attacks, and dreaded the night time. See at night time all the company went home and my husband was fast asleep because he had to work in the morning. The nights seemed so long. Every time I would doze off I would jump up in a panic as if I were going to die if It was awful. My husbands grandmother would come over daily mon- fri around 9am to watch the baby so I can get sleep but I still could not sleep. Finally I had a major panic attack in front of my mother who didn't know I had a history of anxiety I cried so hard that she her self began to get emotional. I would sometimes during my day just cry for no reason. I would hear people talking behind my back thinking I was asleep or out of ear shot who thought I was crazy. I even experienced them not wanting me too hold my baby. Now to be clear I had no thoughts of harming my baby what so ever my problem was with me. As the 2 week mark approached I was able to eat broth still small naps and most of the time they were between the time of 6am and 9am when the sun was out. I couldn't under stand how something like this could happen to me when I had just conceived such a blessing.
I finally reached out to my doctor, who then prescribed me a low dose of anxiety medication which meant no breast feeding. I had to make choice to get myself well in order to be here for my daughter long term. Once on the medication it helped me to relax enough to sleep a few hours at a time but I would still wake up abruptly checking my daughter making sure all was well. I also began to see a therapist and asked for prayer from my church I wanted all the help I could get. I had lost 36 lbs in 2 weeks my hair was falling out id lost my glow.
I didn't comb my hair all I wore was tee shirts and sweat suits. I dodged every picture I could at that time. My husband convinced me to take a few so not to regret missing the memories of the baby and me at this time. Him along with many others didn't understand how bad this really was for me. I began to journal my feelings, what ever I was feeling or thinking because I needed it out of me. I begin to look up scriptures that helped me and write those in my journal. I began to pray morning noon and night and when I felt afraid I prayed some more. One late night while I was awake and the world slept I decided to google my symptoms. I discovered there were many woman who had and were going through the same as I was. The baby blues is what I had seem to be going through and it relieved me to have a name to what I was going through and to read that it only lasts about 2 or 3 weeks.I don't know if it was the medication, the prayer, or the new knowledge I found but I began to feel better. I was able to go from broth to soup then a sandwich. I was able to tell my husbands grandmother I am able to be home alone during the day. I began to sleep and take naps when I could while the baby slept.
I will never forget those nights where I sat on my couch awake and watched my baby and husband sleep praying for the morning to come quickly. I am so grateful for all the help and prayers of those around me, and the doctors that I have because they acted quickly. When I went to them they didn't treat me as I was crazy they gave me reassurance tings would be ok. As of today Im sleeping 4 to 5 ours at a time until my princess is hungry and I get up and feed her and go back to sleep Im eating more than I should and gained back 36 lbs plus more lol .
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