The word Empty is a small word but it holds much power. Too be empty is too not be full ... Empty also can mean to be filled with.
Opening my eyes doesn't seem to feel the same anymore, the dread of the unknown almost makes me want to stay asleep. I never thought that I could ever be this low. I never thought the the insecurity and the feeling of never fitting in would creep up on me in my adult life. You see things in life that are meant to bring you down will tap on you discreetly almost subliminally. They continue to hit you in the same spot over and over again, just like a construction worker who needs to break down a wall. The construction worker will target the weakest point to gain access, and begin there demolition focused on that point.
So here I am empty, like a car that has run out of gas (which ironically enough recently happened too me lol ugh ). If you have ever ran out of gas you know that the vehicle is at its low point and is unable to function. It has pulled on all of the available resources and is not shutting down part by part. Unable to drive, unable to even start up, and now the battery is dead . No way too live huh? That was me at my lowest the gas had ran out my resources had ran out and I was tired and all out of options! No longer able to pretend that everything was alright. No longer the ME that everyone grew to love depend on and take advantage of when possible. So thats the down side of empty Let me tell you how the down side of empty worked out for me.
Iv'e heard the saying many times when your down to nothing, God is up too something. Boy how was praying for that to be true in this case. I couldn't believe that it was all gone that I had back slid that I wasn't able to pray that i no longer spoke hope. Had God left me I thought or maybe I left him ? A scary place to be .
One day, after all the arguments, after heart break, after heart break, after couples therapy, after endless conversations and tears I wanted out. I had just enough strength to get out and not just out of my marriage but out of the bondage and chains that I allowed myself to live in my whole life. The first step was standing up for myself, choosing to love me enough to make the change. I decided to leave my husband, I prepared myself for a battled mapped out my strategy and begin to execute. First step was to have the conversation. You may be thinking well thats not that hard, well for me a person who doesn't like conflict it was like a mountain. Most of my life I worried about what everyone else thought about me. I can't say I was completely passive, but I will say somethings I let slide just keep the peace. So now facing this man that I stood before God and took vows and say I no longer want to be apart of this union cause me much anxiety. This marriage was the straw that broke my back and I was done so here goes. I told my now ex husband I no longer wanted to be with him and he argued with me made the same promises he always had, yelled scream etc. This time i wasn't buying what he was selling I new the pattern and I knew he didn't really possess the qualities a man needed in a marriage.
To find out that your in Love by your self is the worst feeling in the world....
I asked myself a million and 10 times how can someone pretend to love you in this way but does nothing but tear you down. How can a person say they love you but watch you struggle, watch you in pain. How ? How can a person not want to change or at least try too for the person they want to spend the rest of there life with?
I really couldn't wrap my mind around the idea ...
And to think I walked away from another proposal ( thats a whole new post for another time)
Now to be clear ....
I haven't turned into one of those woman who bash there ex, and want the whole world to hate them no not at all. See I take full responsibility for my part. As you read in part 1 I accepted the things that I saw were wrong, I looked away when I should of spoken up. I took a friendship way too far. I wasn't a good friend to myself or to my destiny.
Step 1 had the conversation , Step 2 now move separate
So I move out and now I'm starting to feel the healing process immediately. That burden I was carrying lifted and I felt like I was able to breath. (I exhaled) The craziest part, (I can't speak for all people) but I've heard a lot of people including my self rationalize the little good in a situation in the person. Grasping for straws as they say....
Just too scarred of the changed that is coming even though its a good change there is still THE PROCESS. The Unknown...
Now living separately and able to sleep at night again waking up with a clear mind. I expected some remorse, maybe a sorry or a dozen roses maybe a conversaton. All I got was him speaking these words "say no more" and he disappeared. WOW .... thats when I 100% knew it was no looking back.
Little did the enemy know that he had broken me, but to the point where I could now be fixed. See not only had I been stripped of everything but the blinders had come off too. I could see everything so very clear now in my life. Im standing up and taking back whats mine and doing it my way. No more fitting inside the invisible box limited to the amount of success that those around me projected. People sometimes see your potential before you do and they congratulate you while at the same time make sure you don't get so successful that there left behind. I was DONE.... I was Ready ! I deserve al that and more and I have the drive along with faith to get it done.
Part 3 coming (The Up Side of Empty) soon I hope you are enjoying feel free to leave comments let me know what you think.
Opening my eyes doesn't seem to feel the same anymore, the dread of the unknown almost makes me want to stay asleep. I never thought that I could ever be this low. I never thought the the insecurity and the feeling of never fitting in would creep up on me in my adult life. You see things in life that are meant to bring you down will tap on you discreetly almost subliminally. They continue to hit you in the same spot over and over again, just like a construction worker who needs to break down a wall. The construction worker will target the weakest point to gain access, and begin there demolition focused on that point.
So here I am empty, like a car that has run out of gas (which ironically enough recently happened too me lol ugh ). If you have ever ran out of gas you know that the vehicle is at its low point and is unable to function. It has pulled on all of the available resources and is not shutting down part by part. Unable to drive, unable to even start up, and now the battery is dead . No way too live huh? That was me at my lowest the gas had ran out my resources had ran out and I was tired and all out of options! No longer able to pretend that everything was alright. No longer the ME that everyone grew to love depend on and take advantage of when possible. So thats the down side of empty Let me tell you how the down side of empty worked out for me.
Iv'e heard the saying many times when your down to nothing, God is up too something. Boy how was praying for that to be true in this case. I couldn't believe that it was all gone that I had back slid that I wasn't able to pray that i no longer spoke hope. Had God left me I thought or maybe I left him ? A scary place to be .
One day, after all the arguments, after heart break, after heart break, after couples therapy, after endless conversations and tears I wanted out. I had just enough strength to get out and not just out of my marriage but out of the bondage and chains that I allowed myself to live in my whole life. The first step was standing up for myself, choosing to love me enough to make the change. I decided to leave my husband, I prepared myself for a battled mapped out my strategy and begin to execute. First step was to have the conversation. You may be thinking well thats not that hard, well for me a person who doesn't like conflict it was like a mountain. Most of my life I worried about what everyone else thought about me. I can't say I was completely passive, but I will say somethings I let slide just keep the peace. So now facing this man that I stood before God and took vows and say I no longer want to be apart of this union cause me much anxiety. This marriage was the straw that broke my back and I was done so here goes. I told my now ex husband I no longer wanted to be with him and he argued with me made the same promises he always had, yelled scream etc. This time i wasn't buying what he was selling I new the pattern and I knew he didn't really possess the qualities a man needed in a marriage.
To find out that your in Love by your self is the worst feeling in the world....
I asked myself a million and 10 times how can someone pretend to love you in this way but does nothing but tear you down. How can a person say they love you but watch you struggle, watch you in pain. How ? How can a person not want to change or at least try too for the person they want to spend the rest of there life with?
I really couldn't wrap my mind around the idea ...
And to think I walked away from another proposal ( thats a whole new post for another time)
Now to be clear ....
I haven't turned into one of those woman who bash there ex, and want the whole world to hate them no not at all. See I take full responsibility for my part. As you read in part 1 I accepted the things that I saw were wrong, I looked away when I should of spoken up. I took a friendship way too far. I wasn't a good friend to myself or to my destiny.
Step 1 had the conversation , Step 2 now move separate
So I move out and now I'm starting to feel the healing process immediately. That burden I was carrying lifted and I felt like I was able to breath. (I exhaled) The craziest part, (I can't speak for all people) but I've heard a lot of people including my self rationalize the little good in a situation in the person. Grasping for straws as they say....
Just too scarred of the changed that is coming even though its a good change there is still THE PROCESS. The Unknown...
Now living separately and able to sleep at night again waking up with a clear mind. I expected some remorse, maybe a sorry or a dozen roses maybe a conversaton. All I got was him speaking these words "say no more" and he disappeared. WOW .... thats when I 100% knew it was no looking back.
Little did the enemy know that he had broken me, but to the point where I could now be fixed. See not only had I been stripped of everything but the blinders had come off too. I could see everything so very clear now in my life. Im standing up and taking back whats mine and doing it my way. No more fitting inside the invisible box limited to the amount of success that those around me projected. People sometimes see your potential before you do and they congratulate you while at the same time make sure you don't get so successful that there left behind. I was DONE.... I was Ready ! I deserve al that and more and I have the drive along with faith to get it done.
Part 3 coming (The Up Side of Empty) soon I hope you are enjoying feel free to leave comments let me know what you think.
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